


Finding Faith

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-26
Updated: 2007-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-19 19:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12416970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: She couldn’t stop breathing. All the water in the world couldn’t drown her. Not when her body wanted to fight. Not when she still had reasons to live. Lily took a deep breath as she broke the surface of the water, her chest heaving, and her breathing so laboured that her ribs ached with the effort.





	Finding Faith

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Every pound of her heart shook to the very core of her body. She couldn’t stop breathing. All the water in the world couldn’t drown her. Not when her body wanted to fight. Not when she still had reasons to live. Lily took a deep breath as she broke the surface of the water, her chest heaving, and her breathing so laboured that her ribs ached with the effort. 

“Lily? Lily!”

Two strong hands grabbed her upper arms as they yanked her from the water. She collapsed on the floor, water spreading out beneath her, increasing with every tear that fell from her deeply seated hazel eyes. 

“Lily,” a sad voice whispered. The two hands clamped themselves around her shoulders, bringing her delicate head to the toned chest of the man who held her. Unaware, she subconsciously let go. The tears just flowed; each sob was deliberate, accentuating the pain, the anger and the fear. 

Her brother just held her, clutching her head and rocking slightly back and forth, sharing her anguish.

After a long time, Lily looked up at her brother, the tears pausing for a moment, yet still brimming her eyes. 

“I don’t know how to let go,” she whispered. James clutched her tighter. He had never been the loving brother, that was why Lily was surprised it was he holding her, but he had always been over-protective. “He didn’t want this. Dad never wanted this. He never wanted us to be orphans like he was. He never wanted that, James.”

James held on, unable to find the words, burying his grief, hiding it for the sake of his sister. 

Lily seemed to find some strength in that. Her sobs eased off, and she sat herself up as James conjured a towel to cover her naked and now shivering body. He helped her up and out to her room onto her bed. 

Lily sat on the bed, staring glumly at the floor. James stood back, leaning against the wall, both finding comfort in the other’s presence. 

“Where’s Al?” asked Lily after a while. Her voice was cracked and strained. She spoke so quietly that James barely heard her. 

James paused, as if wondering whether to tell her.

“James?” She looked up, the panic appearing in her bloodshot eyes. “James, where is he?”

James sighed. “He went back to Hogwarts.” His voice was deep and careful, showing the signs of disappointment in what he had to tell her. 

“Gone … gone back?” Lily searched his face, seemingly mortified. “But … they haven’t … we haven’t … the funeral …” Lily was lost for words, every sentence catching in her throat before she could finish it.

James nodded to her. “I know, Lily,” he said quietly, sounding frustrated.

“Is he coming back?” Lily’s voice betrayed her disbelief and the first signs of her famous temper. 

James turned away from her, facing the wall, rocking on the balls of his feet. He slapped the wall in frustration. 

“James!” yelled Lily, furiously. “Answer me! Is he coming back?”

James shook his head, unable to look at her. 

“James!”

“No!” he yelled. He turned to look at her, and Lily saw that he had been trying to hide his own tears. He turned around again, this time punching the wall, leaving an indentation from the contact. 

“James …” Lily’s voice had softened, as she clung to her towel and moved over to her brother. She took his hand as he slid down the wall and leaned back against it. Lily crouched besides him. “I won’t leave.”

He nodded, pulling her into his embrace, and resting his head against her shoulder. She felt his body shake from the effort of trying to hold back his pain and his grief. Yet, then he stopped, pulling his head back to look at his sister. 

James shook his head. “No. Once the funeral’s over, you have to go back.”

“James, don’t be ridiculous,” began Lily. 

“No, Lily,” protested James. “You have to finish school.”

“I’m not leaving you in this house alone right now,” continued Lily. She glanced around her, before looking her brother in the eyes. “Not with all the memories.”

James took a deep breath. “I’ll be fine.”

“No, James,” said Lily, with a shake of her head. “You said that last time, when …” Lily took a deep breath, as she struggled with the words. “You said that when mum died, James, and you weren’t. You weren’t all right.” Lily’s tears were back, and were silently streaking down her cheeks. 

James pushed himself up off the floor, still holding his sister in his arms. He pressed a kiss tenderly to her forehead, wiping away her tears with his thumbs. 

“Lily,” he said gently. “Once this is over, you have to go back to school.”

“But -”

“No,” continued James, determination in his eyes. “I don’t want to move on, but we need to, and you being here is not going to help that. It will only delay it. Besides, I’d rather you be at Hogwarts looking after Al. He’ll need it more than me, ok?”

Lily nodded, trying to stem the flow of her tears.

She didn’t want to go back to Hogwarts, and she didn’t want to move on. She didn’t want to live another day as if nothing had changed. 

No, not when she couldn’t see how.

*

Lily was glaring at her overlarge textbook. Why couldn’t she just know it without trying to read it? Why couldn’t the professor be nice and not set them homework? Why couldn’t her brother quit being such an arse and talk to her? 

Lily glanced up from her textbook, looking over to where her brother, Albus, was sitting with his friends, laughing, making jokes and doing anything but studying. 

She glared at him too, until a familiar figure dropped down into the seat opposite her, obscuring her view of her brother. She glanced around him, trying to see her brother, but the boy opposite her followed her with his head, trying to catch her attention. 

“I’m really not in the mood,” began Lily, deciding to glare at him instead. The boy just grinned at her.

“Lily, come with me to get a butterbeer in Hogsmeade,” said the boy, small hints of hope lighting up his eyes. “My treat!”

Lily shook her head. “I’m not in the mood, Sebastian. Just leave me alone.”

“You’ve been in here for the last four hours,” protested Sebastian, whilst glancing at his watch. Lily stared at him, choosing not to reply. He looked slightly abashed. “Not that I’ve been counting,” he mumbled.

“Seb,” began Lily, with an exasperated sigh.

“We could go to the Shrieking Shack,” cut in Sebastian. Lily frowned, feeling slightly sick. Memories of her father came flooding back, reminding her of his fondness of his father’s close friend, Remus Lupin, and the fact that Lupin was the very reason the Shrieking Shack was there. Seb frowned, noticing her pained look. “Or … we could go to Honeydukes?” 

“Seb, no,” said Lily, a little more forcibly than she meant. “I don’t want to. How many times do I have to say no to you?”

Seb frowned, anger slowly making its way onto his face. 

“Fine,” he muttered, standing up and knocking the table. The large textbook that Lily had been previously glaring at slid off the edge of the table and landed, with a loud thump, on the floor next to her. 

She heard the laughter die from her brother’s table as they looked around to see what had made the noise. Lily locked eyes with her brother, staring at him intensely, daring him to look away. 

He looked at her, and then glanced to Seb. He seemed to almost take a step forwards, but then stopped himself. Lily frowned and looked away from him, grabbing her bag and storming out of the library.

She heard Seb calling after her, but she ignored him, reaching the staircase and fleeing down them. She made it down two flights, arriving at the third floor, before Seb caught up.

“What?” she yelled at him, turning on him angrily. “How many times do I have to reject you ‘til you get the hint? I’m not interested in you. I won’t ever be interested, not ever. You’re an impertinent, incredibly annoying prat. I don’t like you. Leave. Me. Alone!”

“Err …” muttered Seb, looking taken aback, and somewhat uncomfortable. He held up her textbook. Lily immediately felt embarrassed, as she stared at him with guilt written across her face, and her eyes widened.

“Seb, I …” began Lily, but Seb held up his hands to cut her off. His face looked pale and withdrawn, betraying his hurt. He looked away from her, and she could see the disappointment clearly etched on his face. He paused, seemingly trying to muster the right words to match his growing anger.

“I’m sorry,” blurted out Lily, hastily. “Seb, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“You know what, Lily,” he spoke with quiet anger. “I think you did.”

*

Lily had felt the same despair for the past two weeks now. Her brother wasn’t talking to her, Seb wouldn’t even look at her, and it didn’t seem to get any better. She was sitting at the Gryffindor table, glancing up every few seconds at Hugo. He’d been her best friend, and only friend, right up until fourth year, when he had started dating. Their friendship had stopped half way through the year, and the very reason was sitting besides him, giggling and making Lily feel sick.

She jumped slightly as someone dropped down heavily besides her. 

“You know, Lily, if you look at my brother one more time, that girl of his is going to come over here and do something about it.” Lily looked to girl sitting besides her. Her thick, long brown hair fell in small waves down her back, and her brown eyes stared at Lily enquiringly. Lily sighed.

“He’s my cousin. What does she think is going to happen?” she asked, stealing one more glance, before she picked up her fork and started absentmindedly playing with her food.

Rose gave her a small smile. “I know you’re angry with Al -” she began.

“I’m angry? He won’t even talk to me,” replied Lily. She felt the tears at the back of her eyes. “I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.”

“But he said you didn’t want to talk to him,” said Rose, staring at Lily, looking positively confused. “I was going to come here and try and convince you to speak with him, because you’re both so miserable.”

“How would you feel after losing your father?” snapped Lily, angrily, glaring at Rose.

“Lily …” Rose trailed off, looking horrified. “I wasn’t trying to …” Yet, she seemed at a loss for words.

Sighing, Lily calmed herself down. 

“I’m sorry, Rose,” apologized Lily. “I didn’t mean to be rude. I just … I really needed him and he wasn't here.” Her eyes trailed back to her untouched plate of food. Rose looked slightly confused, and Lily knew it was because she was trying to decide which _him_ Lily meant. 

Seeming to give up, Rose spoke again. “I’m here for you, Lily,” she spoke softy. “Your dad was like my second dad. Mum, dad and he were such good friends.”

Lily nodded, feeling slightly guilty. She had been so consumed by her own grief; she had forgotten who else might have been aching. She remembered seeing Ron and Hermione at the funeral. Hermione had been quietly sobbing, trying so hard to contain herself, while she clung to her husband as if never wanting to let go. Ron had stood stoically still, staring hard and blankly, lost in his own world of sorrow, trying desperately to curb the large empty hole that no one but his best friend had ever been able to fill. 

Rose and Hugo had been the mirror of their father, keeping their grief to themselves, burying it deep within them. Her grandmother had wept so openly, her pain so raw, clutching her husband, before abandoning him to take Lily into her arms, to hold, and to try and find some hope within Lily’s dying eyes. 

Even Draco Malfoy had turned up to the funeral to pay his respects. He appeared pale and drawn, his age beginning to catch up with him, but he was there, nevertheless, to acknowledge the man he owed his life to. 

The thousands of others that had come had stunned Lily. There had been wizards and witches from all over the world. Famous Quidditch players, singers, Aurors, the Minister of Magic, and some of the greatest wizards and witches of their time had shown. Then, there were those who had been affected by the war. They all came, they all cried, paying their silent respects for the one who they had owed so much to. Not only had he saved their lives, he had given them hope. 

And he had been too young to die. 

It had started when Lily lost her mother. It had just been a silly accident, really. She’d been flying in their Quidditch field out the back, as she always liked to. She’d been alone, just her, her Beaters’ bat and that bludger.

They had found Ginny afterwards, lying flat on the grass, her lifeless eyes staring blankly at the blue sky above her, and a small flask of a silver and blue substance clutched tightly in her hand. 

Her last memories had been devastating to them all. If only one of them had been there. None of it would have happened, and each of them seemed to blame themselves. She had been flying high, having fun beating away the bludger, racing it, dodging it, and enjoying the exhilarating feeling of flying. Until a bird had appeared out of no where, startling her. The one moment’s lapse of concentration had been all it had taken. The bludger flew into the side of her head, knocking her unconscious, and off her broom, sending her to her imminent death, where she struggled, her wand just out of reach. Giving up on her wand, she fumbled for a small vial in her robes, allowing all her memories to pour out into it. 

Harry Potter had never been the same after that. 

*

“Al?” 

Albus glanced up from the book he was reading. They had started talking again, after a month, when Lily couldn’t take it anymore. She made him listen. She had always been good at making people listen, but that was when she had realized he was avoiding her, and he was angry with her, angry because of his own shame. 

Small snippets of their last year with their father had slowly resurfaced during the last month. The whispers and angry tones she had wanted to ignore were now screaming at her so she couldn’t escape. She had wanted to disregard the fights as their home slowly fell apart. Her father and Albus had always been the closest, but somehow James and Albus had switched positions, and James was siding with his father, as Albus fought viciously against them both.

Lily had hid herself away, wallowing in her own self-pity, first finding solace in her best friend, until Hugo had left because Lily couldn’t stand his girlfriend. Then she turned to the old hippogriff that her father so fondly nurtured as it slowly reached the end of its days. It couldn’t talk back, but it would at least listen, and when she was with Buckbeak, she wasn’t inside, listening as the three men yelled themselves hoarse. 

Then Albus never turned up for the funeral.

Lily bit her lip, trying to find the right words.

“Why didn’t you stay?” she asked, just as Albus began to turn away. Albus froze; he stared at the book, his eyes not moving. It had been over two months, but he knew exactly what she meant. They had a silent agreement, though. Don’t talk about it. Simple, easy, but not enough, Lily decided. 

She bit her lip again, searching his eyes. 

“Al … I just don’t understand. I need to understand. We needed you, Al, and you weren’t there. We …” Albus was staring at her now. He looked petrified, almost as if he’d forgotten what he’d done, and what they’d lost. Lily sighed gently, her eyes softening. “You were closer than me, or James, to dad. Just – just tell me it was too hard, Al. Please, Al. Tell me it was too hard.” Lily was staring at him, pleading with him so desperately.

Albus frowned, the sorrow so clear in his eyes.

“But then I’d be lying.”

*

Scorpius Malfoy was not exactly everyone’s favourite person, but Lily liked him well enough. He’d become quieter as he’d grown up, now in seventh year. In his earlier years, he’d always had fun taunting all that weren’t in his house, but he seemed to always avoid the Weasleys and the Potters, so that they never became subject to his berating. Her father had told her it was because he had saved Draco Malfoy’s life, Scorpius’s father, and because after the war had finished, he had spared his family from the wrath of the wizarding community. The rest of the Death Eaters had not been so lucky. Many of them had been killed. Some had pleaded, confessing that they were under the Imperius Curse, or just too scared to refuse the Dark Lord, but Harry had known who the innocent were.

Malfoy had come to her though, not long after her rather public and painful fight with her best friend. They had found a strange comfort in each other, and despite their obvious differences, they were quite alike. It had been strange beginning, a chance meeting highlighting their similarities. They had found a strange comfort in each and had eased into a relaxed relationship bordering on something more. Yet, Lily believed it would never be anything more. Scorpius was too much of a mystery to her.

“You know, Scorpius,” said Lily, as she sat against a tree, staring dreamily out across the oversized lake. 

“Mm?” he mumbled, his eyes shut, as he lay lazily in the sun, with his head resting on Lily’s slender legs. 

“I never pegged you to be an Auror,” said Lily. 

“Why’s that?” he asked, only sounding mildly interested. 

“Helping the people, fighting for the people – it’s just not you,” replied Lily. 

Scorpius smirked. “Why would _I_ fight for the people?”

Lily nodded, oblivious to his sarcasm. “See what I mean?”

Scorpius shook his head, but let it go. “It was the only thing father and I agreed on for my choice of a career.”

“What else did you want to do?” asked Lily. Scorpius’s smirk turned into a wicked smile as he looked up at her. Lily laughed. “I don’t think I want to know.”

“More importantly, what are you going to do?” he asked. “Take after your father?”

Lily’s face creased as she tried to think. She hadn’t really decided. Her OWLs were coming up soon. She couldn’t really decide until after she received her results.

“I don’t know,” answered Lily, after a while, “maybe.”

“If you did, I think we’d make a great team.” Lily smiled, gazing down at Scorpius. His eyes were shut again, and she wondered exactly what was going through his mind at that moment. 

They stayed there for over twenty minutes in silence, once again, enjoying each other’s company.

“I heard your brother has been going on some dangerous assignments lately,” said Scorpius. Lily looked down at him. He had opened his eyes, and was watching the lake.

“Did your father tell you?” asked Lily, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. 

“Yes,” replied Scorpius. “And now rumours are flying around. There’s talk of new power, of a new darkness. People are scared.”

“Do they have reason to be?” asked Lily, Scorpius now having captured her full attention. He turned his head to look at her. 

“They’re scared because your father was their hope, and now he’s gone, they don’t know who to look to.” Scorpius scowled. “Pitiful people, as they are, they’re now beginning to place their faith in your eldest brother. The minister has been requesting that he accompany the senior Aurors on whatever quest they’re on.”

Lily gasped. “That’s dangerous. He could become a target.”

Scorpius nodded. “Precisely, but the minister is all for appearances. He wants to appear as if he is doing something.”

Lily’s eyes widened. “So, it’s serious. Whoever this is really is a threat?”

Scorpius shifted and sat up, sitting opposite Lily, facing her.

“Father seems to think so, but there’s no telling yet.”

“I thought the wars were finally over,” said Lily quietly. “Look at how much damage the last one did. Nearly all of us lost someone. It was awful, from what my father told me.”

“The wars are never over, Lily,” said Scorpius, talking to her as if she was child. “There was Grindelwald in 1945, and then Voldemort not long after, and then him again. Before them, every time a powerful wizard was born, we had a new dark wizard trying to take over the world. There are millions of prophecies, most of them depicting major events. War is something we will never escape.”

Lily sighed, as she stood, moving to the edge of the lake. Slipping her shoe off with the other foot, she dipped her bare foot into the lake. It was freezing, but she ignored the cold, trying to numb the growing feeling of unease and fear for her brother’s life. She could not lose anyone else. She had lost enough. 

Scorpius had stood up, and was standing behind her. Lily could feel the warmth radiating off his body. Somehow, she felt completely secure in his presence. She knew her brothers and her cousins would be angry with her for feeling this way, but something had compelled her to take up Scorpius’s offer of friendship, as unlikely as such a union seemed. 

Their houses had been divided beyond repair so long ago, and with each sorting, each year, they were forever set further apart. Yet, Harry Potter had always maintained with his daughter that people, even the people he thought the worst of, could and had surprised him. The most prominent of them had been Severus Snape. Lily glanced over to a small graveyard that consisted of entirely two graves, which sat comfortably with the sun shining brightly upon them, giving it an eternal, ethereal appearance. Severus Snape lay besides Albus Dumbledore, forever, as a continued tribute to his bravery and invaluable help during the war, and because Dumbledore had been the one man whose faith had never wavered in the gravely misled man. His flaw had been his thirst for power, but they were undermined by his love for Harry Potter’s mother, Lily’s grandmother, with whom she shared the same name. Their headmaster had thought it was important that none forget that. 

“Be careful, Lily,” spoke Scorpius quietly. “For when this war begins, there will be those whom place their faith in you, and the Potters will become an easy target.”

“I know,” replied Lily, her eyes lowering, emphasising the pain she felt for these words. “I don’t believe dad thought the wars were ever truly over either. He warned us.”

“Let’s hope he warned you well.”

*

Lily was staring blankly at the half-full glass of water, as she sat at the kitchen bench. She could hear James shifting around in the room next to the kitchen, but she paid him no attention, the glass, for no obvious reason, completely capturing hers. 

“Half full or half empty?” said James, as he entered the kitchen. Lily blinked, and the glass came back into view. She glanced over at her brother. 

“Half empty,” she muttered in reply.

James frowned, his large, round eyes saddening. “It was bound to happen, Lily.”

Lily shrugged. “It’s just so surreal. A year ago, we were one big, happy family. Now …” She lowered her eyes, picking up her water and finishing it off. 

“If there’s one thing you’ll learn in life,” said James, “it’s that nothing ever stays the same.”

Lily nodded glumly as a small tap on the window sounded. An owl fell through, as James opened it. The owl picked itself off the floor, and jumped onto the kitchen bench, spitting out the letter in its beak. Lily jumped up, reaching forwards and snatching up the letter before James could.

_James Potter_ the envelope said.

Lily frowned.

“Expecting something?” asked James, as he reached forwards to take the letter from her hands. 

He tore it open, and a formally written letter fell out. Lily could make out the small green print just before James pulled it before his eyes. She watched his placid expression turn to horror.

Scrunching up the letter in his hand, James moved quickly, grabbing a spare piece of parchment and quill. He scribbled a reply and let the owl clamp its beak around the letter before it soared out the window.

James grabbed his cloak. “Go pack some things. You’re staying with your aunt and uncle for a while.”

“James, what’s going on?” asked Lily, urgently, the panic rising in her voice, imitating his. “Where are you going? Which aunt and uncle, and why can’t I stay here?” 

“Ron and Hermione,” replied James, absentmindedly, as he rummaged through some draws, stuffing things into his pockets. 

“James, what has happened?” asked Lily again. “I don’t want to go to their house.”

“Lily, don’t start,” said James. He turned to her. “I don’t have time for this.”

“Why can’t I stay here?”

“I’m not going to repeat myself,” yelled James, losing his temper all too quickly. “Go, now!”

“No!” screamed Lily. She jumped to her feet to face James, and glared at him. He was not going to push her around like some sort of parent. “Not until you tell me what is going on.”

James was fuming as he glared right back at her. His fists shook as he tried to control his temper. Lily knew she was being stubborn and should trust him, but she wasn’t a child anymore, and he had to know that. He couldn’t hide things from her. They were all they had left; a tiny remnant of what had once been a family. The least they could do for each other was not to lie.

James took a deep breath that seemed to calm him slightly. “Get your things, Lily. I’ll tell you on the way over.”

Lily wanted to stand there and argue more, but the tone of her brother’s voice silenced her. It seemed so grave and disappointed, so sad and full of pain. It downright scared her.

“James …”

“Hugo’s dead.” 


End file.
